Our lives are becoming so intertwined that we have begun to affect each other. I am just now starting to become comfortable with the fact that what I do and what I have done really matters to someone else besides me. How I communicate and how I process my emotions influences the state and well-being of my partner.
It seems like every good breakdown happens in the car. Calvin has comforted me through dozens of good car breakdowns. In pockets of clarity during these episodes, I stare at Calvin in disbelief that he is listening to my raw, deep emotions, usually riddled with guilt and self-doubt, and he still loves me.
During counseling on my mission, I asked the therapist: "Am I normal? Can you just tell me if I am a normal person?" Whether truthful or not, she asserted my normalcy. Comforted, I was able to trust the fact that my anxiety is an acceptable part of myself.
At times, I am completely absorbed and overwhelmed with emotion. I cannot stop feeling and at moments of great overwhelm, I exclaim "I just want to stop existing." I do not want to, necessarily, die. I do not think of myself as suicidal, rather caught up and crippled with weight. Calvin eases that weight. He is patient, kind, and understanding. I lean on him heavily.
My coursework this semester is hard. Not hard as in denoting difficulty, rather talking constantly about the Holocaust, the injustices faced by people of color in this country, and sexual abuse is sad, frustrating, and well, HARD. The content is triggering and almost necessarily so. I am struggling with my feelings towards men. Evil men. I am struggling with how "average" citizens and individuals have the power to do terrible, atrocious, despicable things. I am certainly not the only one feeling this way in today's social and political climate. Calvin has witnessed my feelings on such topics and offers his steady presence and love, sometimes he can get angry too.
My English Professor shared this photo of James Baldwin dancing and I keep thinking about it. A few days ago I read "Going to See the Man" and felt utterly distraught. The reminder of this photo eased my heart.
Caitlin Connolly, one of my favorite artists, shared her thoughts on the opposition and contradiction of Jesus Christ. Her thoughts helped me to understand Him better. She wrote "I believe that Jesus was born through opposition and was also perfect. Meaning, he was able to hold contradiction perfectly. When I think of Christ that way, I realize, there is no one I would rather be a judge or a mediator for me than him i.e. someone who knows how to hold two contradictory truths at one time and is able to understand the motive, desire, or intention of my heart and the choice that I made because of and despite the contradiction."
Being recently married and feeling quite young and inadequate in this new role has caused a lot of reflection of the past and speculation about the future. Calvin and I have no plans of having children anytime soon, yet of course the possibility exists that I could become pregnant. How can I raise a child in this world? How can I teach them about history and at what lengths can I shield them from modernity?
While visiting Dachau, the first concentration camp to be erected in Nazi era Germany, I felt the presence of a small child with me. As I walked on the gravel of the main yard where thousands of men, woman, and children were persecuted, I could see clearly the image of future me holding a baby, a boy named Leo. As contradicting as that sounds, to be in a place of such destruction and be flooded of images of me with a baby; my child, it happened and was a very spiritual experience for me.
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